irinacita

I bought myself a copy of What To Expect When You're Expecting when I was 16.  Not too long after that I bought myself a copy of The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy.  I have always wanted to have children.  I have always wanted a family.  Now I'm 36, nowhere near the type of relationship I'd hoped to have that would foster having a family, and my body is totally out of shape for making babies anyways.  I unearthed these baby books, and others, while unpacking my collection of children's books that I'd hoped to share with my children someday.  I'm keeping the children's books, but the sight of those baby books fills me with a sick sort of desperation.  

They say you shouldn't say things that you don't want to put out into the universe.  Have I been giving off the no-baby vibe?  Or was the sound of my baby vibe so loud, that potential partners couldn't hear anything else and fled in terror?  I've tried being the girl who wasn't ready for kids yet, but in my heart I've always known that I am.  It was hard to put that face on for partners who I knew were inappropriate because they weren't in the same place I was family-wise.  I've dated people who weren't ready for kids, never wanted kids, and lately I've been dating someone who already has kids and won't even consider having or adopting one more.  I know these aren't the right people for me.  In my desperation to find someone to create a family with, I clouded my vision and overlooked so many warning signs.  

I know everyone has their own path.  I am trying to do the right things to put myself on the right path but I don't like the path I'm on.  I feel like I will spend the rest of my mom's life taking care of her and when that's done, I may be too old to adopt a kid of my own.  Without family, what's the point of it all?  Okay yes, I am doing some things that equal success, but I would be unhappy if I ended up without ever sharing everything I love about the world with a child.

Actually my days in Orlando have not been so bad.  True, I've been sick three times in three months.  That's utterly annoying and a record, even for me.  I mean, I've taught, I've nannied, I've been around a lot of sick people, but working at my fruit stand, as I do, I just keep getting sick - not only from fruity shoppers, but from my fruity brethren as well.

But yeah, it's good to be in Tallahassee.  I've been unable to visit for a long time, either through lack of funds, or having gotten a position at the fruit stand, lack of time to get away.  Amazingly enough I was blessed with 4 days off from the fruit stand, so here I am!  It's great to be in the land of cooler weather, hills, and so many trees.  I love how green it is in Tally.  

And what is it about a change of place and pace that makes such a difference in my writing?  Somehow I can never get my thoughts together when I only have a day off, but now that I have 4 magical days, suddenly I am writing up a storm and have a million and one ideas for my thesis.  Woohoo!  Caffeine is my friend!  Oh, and peaceful sleep in a nice guest bed in an uber clean home.  I love how clean it is here.  

My mom's place isn't a total disaster anymore, but her oldest cat is pooping up a storm outside my bedroom door and it's so freakin' annoying!  Stressed, the vet says she is stressed and possibly hard of hearing.  She shouldn't even be in the house.  She has had pooping and peeing issues before and was banned from the house.  Now our house, which had been smelling so much better because Mom quit smoking, is suddenly smelling  like a litter box that never gets changed.  Ick!  Eww!  The vet's solution?  Since kitty is pooping outside my bedroom door, we should put a litter box outside my bedroom door so she gets the idea.  *insert my rolling eyes here*  Whatever!  That cat needs to stay on the back porch and keep her crap out of my hallway!

Back to writing - but oh it's nice to catch up with you dear LJ!

I've had 3 days to work on my thesis.  I spent day one socializing.  I needed it.  I spent day two procrastinating.  Crap!  I spent day three trying really hard not to procrastinate.  Grr!  I'm so mad at myself.  Three days off!  I had three days off!  What is wrong with me?  I could blame everything around me but in the end it's me.  It's like senioritis all over again.  It's the time of my degree where I have the least amount of wiggle room and the least amount of will.  

I did do something productive though.  I started my retirement fund.  Woohoo! I will now save 66 bucks a month (until I'm earning more) and put it towards my retirement fund.  I'm very proud of me!  I feel so grown up.  Working at a fruit stand has made such a difference in my life.  Not only do I love working at the fruit stand, but they provide me with a 401k and other nifty benefits.  Soon I'll get healthcare!  Insurance!  Woohoo!  

One thing I would like to do is to see a shrink again.  I have been unmedicated for a few years now, which while I don't wish to be overmedicated like I was before, I would like to find a happy medium.    I have managed my mental state pretty well but it hasn't been easy, and I know that with the proper medication I can be more energetic and productive and have a more even emotional state.  I would also like to see a general practitioner and get on my regular asthma and allergy meds.  My friends have been good to me, helping me out with inhalers and such, but it's by no means optimal.

So I don't get this.  I have an old iTunes account with the wolffi@mac.com address.  Of course that's not actually a good address, but the wolffi@me.com suddenly works now that iCloud is out.  I was somehow under the impression that old me.com accounts would only work if you kept up the Mobile Me account during the transition.  I haven't paid for Mobile Me since 2009, so I was mightily surprised when suddenly me wolffi@me.com worked!

Hello strange auto spell check.  I assume it's a part of Lion  But there are words I enjoy misspelling!  I have a thing for making up words of my own when real words from the dictionary don't quite fill the void of my thoughts.  Anyways, good morning world.  It has been far too long since my last update.  This will be another one of those listy type updates where I just fill in on what's been going on, and make amends to start updating more often.  I really ought to.  Last month was hectic, but I have no excuses now.  

WORK - I am really enjoying my work at the Fruit Stand.  The Fruit Stand keeps coming out with cool new fruit, and of course everybody wants fruit because it's good for you, right?  So I sell a lot of fruit, and some customers are difficult but I just try to keep smiling no matter what.  The Fruit Stand was over scheduling me, considering I'm supposed to be part time, but after talking to a manager, my schedule was cut back.  So I happily now have enough time to work on my thesis.  Yup, you heard that right, I'm finally at my thesis.

SCHOOL - September sucked!  I had so much schoolwork and was trying to write a paper that I wasn't very enthused about.  I had a professor who was uber enthused about the subject, which is nice, but also gave us assignments at a pace that was just a little too rapid.  Whatever, that's all in th past.  I ended up with a B in his class and honestly, I'm happy with what I got.  October started my thesis, and I'm supposed to have 45 pages of complete poetry by now.  Umm, not everything I have is complete, and although I tried writing a poem a week, that didn't quite pan out.  I think my biggest struggle in terms of poetry is that I write better when I'm in a good mood, and having been depressed on and off these past few years has been tough on my writing.  I have to be living and enjoying life to get those sparks that launch great poetry ideas.  When I don't have those sparks, I have nothing to work with.  There's nothing I hate more than nothing.  Anyways, I do have some ideas for my thesis and am working towards that goal of 45 pages (which really is a minimum).  

MOM - Her situation has not changed.  She spends all day watching YouTube videos or reading on the couch.  While I'm off at work, the kitchen gets messier, errands remain undone, and the house generally slides back towards sloth.  I hate sloth!  While I was over scheduled at work, things definitely slid back.  Now that I have a decent schedule, I have been able to catch up on cleaning, but it is mightily annoying to come home and realize she's done nothing.  That's not true, she still goes to the grocery store to get food, but even that she doesn't always put away.  Gah!  

LIFE - The other day I was tired from work and not in the mood to go anywhere or do anything.  I left my phone in the car and checked it later in the evening, only to discover a text from Nanna asking if I wanted to go out with her and Scharome.  I didn't, especially not to a smokey nasty bar.  But I hadn't had a night with the girls in a long time, so I ventured in that direction.  We had a change of venue, and Lori was there too - so we all had breakfast at 10pm at Cracker Barrel and had the best time in a long time.  Sometimes you have to make yourself go out and be social, and it's so worth it in the end!  These days I'm not dating, I'm not even trying to.  My recent weight gain has made inroads into my self-esteem, so I've been keeping to myself.  Mom and I do water aerobics, but only once a week at this stage.  I really enjoy water aerobics, but it needs to happen more than once a week.  

Yay!  Supposedly my new employer frowns upon employees blogging about anything in relation to the company, so in the spirit of being smart I will just say that I am super excited about working for the Fruit company.  I'm a big fan of Fruit and I look forward to having a fruitful experience with them. 

So over the last week I started a new English class, had a few interviews, and celebrated my mom's birthday.  I ended up baking the Mokka Torte on Sunday because I had more time.  I'll be blogging about the experience on my new German cooking blog and I'll post the link here when it's ready.

I have already fallen behind in class but so far just by one day.  Still, I'm disappointed with myself for not paying more attention to due dates.  This class is on Chaucer and it's a one month class.  I always find myself barely keeping up with the one month classes, and this one is even more challenging because usually my classes have had assignments due Wednesdays and Sundays, but this class has assignments due every 3 days.  I wasn't even expecting anything due on Labor day!  Sheesh! 

On Mom's birthday we had Pat and Dave, and Dani over.  We just had cheese and crackers and bowle - this amazing champagne punch.  Ooh, I should post about that on my new German blog too!  For Labor day we had Dani and Jonathan over and just had hot dogs and corn on the cob - and the Mokka Torte of course.  SO good! 

It's been a while since I was up this early for any reason other than still up from the night before.  But I set my alarm and stuck with it.  Today I have to go fill out paperwork for Fruit, but I'm free the rest of the day.  That means Chaucer when I get home.  Hallelujah for modern translations! 

I recovered a treasure tonight.  Mom hasn't been feeling too enthusiastic about her birthday this year.  Add on the fact that I've been unemployed since May, and she's been supporting me since May, and I have nothing for her birthday except my love and enthusiasm for any birthday.  It makes for a humble birthday indeed.  I tried to offer to make her something she'd enjoy.  I offered to make her dinner, or a special dessert, or sew her something, but nothing really enticed her.  I do know one thing she'd like, but she believed it to be out of reach, and possibly lost for all time. 

I'm talking about Mokka Torte.  Mokka Torte is a cake my grandmother used to make for very special occasions.  Basically it's a layer cake, but the layers are denser than an American cake, they almost have the consistency of cookies.  In between the layers is a thick, pudding-like filling that incorporates strong coffee, and drizzled over the whole thing is her famous rum icing with a coffee twist.  The top is also decorated with chocolate chips.  It's a coffee/chocolate/rum explosion in your mouth.  According to Nena, too much work!  She hardly made it and often tried to talk my mom out of it.  But it is my mom's favorite cake. 

Mom thought the recipe was missing, potentially gone forever.  I had a pretty good idea where it was.  During the hoarding and gathering years, Mom put all sorts of stuff that didn't belong in the kitchen, in the kitchen.  Nena's recipe box was hidden behind all sorts of junk.  Actually, during the big clean up (that occured in late July while Mom was out of town), I saw the box and even though a lot of cleaning got done, its view was still obstructed by stuff. 

Tonight I dug it out and went through it.  I found a ton of recipes that I grew up with, but I also found a lot of junk recipes.  There were a lot of magazine clippings for recipes I don't remember Nena ever making, and things clipped from the back of boxes, or from some random Navy-wife-cookbook.  I tossed out anything that wasn't glued down to an index card, because if Nena didn't care enough to glue it down or make notes on it, she obviously never used the recipe more than once and it couldn't have been part of her repertoir.  I put all the glued down recipes in their own section in the back of the recipe box, and reorganized her handwritten recipes, and put all the cakes and cookies into sections in the front of the box. 

So now I'm wondering if I should just wait for Mom to go to bed and then I run to the store and buy what I need and stay up and bake her the cake or what?  I kind of don't think there will be time tomorrow because we're doing lunch with her friends and then having more friends over in the evening. 

It's nice to know that there's enough room in the kitchen for me to bake and that the kitchen is 3/4s clean.  I might have to wash some baking implements, but otherwise I have a clean place to work and clean things to use.

 I am about to do one of those ranting rampaging updates I hate to do but I am ready to burst if I don't let off a little steam.  

First a quick update:
-Mom went to Vancouver for a ten days
-my friends helped me clean the kitchen, the dining room, the living room, and the Florida room (where the dog resides)
-my friends even took care of Ilya while we cleaned and got him groomed
-we threw out the too-small crate he'd been living in so that he can have a more normal life and his paws can heal
-as far as the house went: Mom came back, was surprised, but pleasantly so
-as far as Ilya went:
So meanwhile friends decide that Ilya should be rehomed and at one point even offer to adopt Ilya.  I kept telling Mom how happy Ilya was at friend's houses, trying to prep her for this transition because I felt like Mom wouldn't allow him to go to a rescue, but would likely accept a known friend taking him in.  My friends waffle, decide nobody can take him in, and I don't fault them for their situations.  

But the tiniest part of me feels like I've been left having to deal with my mom and the dog situation all by myself - and I've taken so much shit for the house being cleaned as is.  I did say that overall Mom was surprised but pleasantly so, and this is true.  But I am still getting daily bitching and shouting that I am too quick to throw things out, especially food, and that I am neurotic about cleanliness and germs.  She was mad that I threw out all her old nasty dish scrubbers and brushes and she bitches about the newer ones I bought.  It took me a good part of the past few days to talk Mom into paying for someone to come in and do pest control, and then wham out of nowhere I have to bring the dog back.  So I get bitched at for his missing chain collar.  And I get dirty looks for him being without a crate, and for tossing out an expensive crate (which she should have thought of before she bought an 800 dollar dog).  She keeps worrying that he's going to shit and piss in the room, and destroy her precious books and things.  That's why you spend time with a dog, a bored dog is not a destructive dog.  But she'd rather sit on the internet all her days instead of get up off her ass and have a real life.  

And a part of me that's not so small feels resentment for being stuck as an only child and no blood relatives living close by with a mother who 
1. never has and never will say that she loves me
2. lacks common sense and frequently forgets to pay bills because she
3. never throws anything away and has stupid rules for how things can be thrown away, if at all
4. still has enough sense to control her life and finances, even to her own detriment

I do love her.  But she is a burden that often feels like too much for me to carry by myself.  I used to wish to fall in love and have someone rescue me, but I'm not as hot as I used to be and I just don't attract the right type.  

So tonight I brought Ilya home and instead of being thankful for me going to pick him up, she wants to know where the hell his chain collar is and she bets I threw it away because I throw everything away.  I text around and it seems that Nanna found a chain, so I drive back over to get it.  I hand it to Mom and her response is, this isn't the right chain.

In my mind I mutter, you're welcome, but my inner voice is shouting FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK, you're FUCKING welcome, FUCKER!

 He's gone.  My cat, Jing Jing, is gone.  It's been a little over a week now.  I miss him so much.  It's hard because I have good things going on right now, as well as the usual stressful things, and to have him missing is just rough.  I have a feeling someone has just taken him in.  He's very friendly and loves everyone.  Someone suggested that they might keep him and it won't be until they take him to the vet for something when the vet will scan him and they'll discover he actually belongs to someone.  I have signs up in the neighborhood, and made little signs to hand out to people with a photo of him.  

Mom adopted a kitten 3 weeks ago to help her quit smoking, but also because Jing Jing needed a buddy.  I named the kitten Jasper (or Jaspurr - because he does purr a lot).  He'd been in quarantine from Jing Jing because he had ear mites, and he just got out yesterday, and now there's no Jing Jing for him to meet.  I can't believe it, Jing Jing will be 2 years old in September.  I know Jing Jing wasn't perfect.  He nipped too much and would attack my feet while I was trying to sleep.  But I miss him all the same.  

I haven't been updating LJ too much lately.  It just feels like I don't want to just write about the negative stuff in my life but then I don't write anything at all.  Maybe I'll get back into LJ anyways.  It's still like free therapy.  

Just got a call from the vet's office.  The kitten my mom was going to adopt died during surgery.  Actually the kitten died before surgery, only 30 seconds after being put under.  She was the only survivor of her litter and the vet thinks that there might have been something congenitally wrong with the whole litter.  I'm surprised I have tears for a kitten I only just met.