The Magnolia School - anyone who's read my journal for more than a while knows how much this school means to me. I taught there in 2005-2006 and it just made one of the biggest impressions on me. I learned so much not only about teaching, but about learning, and about human nature. This weekend was their 25th anniversary, which for a small, crunchy granola, hippie school, is a very long time indeed! They've had financial ups and downs, even leadership ups and downs, but they've survived it all. I miss teaching at Magnolia so much! They just can't afford another full time teacher, and I made it through one year as part time, but I really can't continue to do that.

I saw a lot of old Magnolia friends, all the teachers were there minus Julie (who was in Gainesville for the weekend), and a lot of my old students were there - Heather, Aiden, Michael, Ariadne, Jack, Jessie, Tylre, Angel, Cassie, Julia, Katie Grubbs, Adam, Sequoia, Jadyn, Sona, the list goes on! My middle school students have either already graduated from high school, or are about to this year. My back room kids are in the middle school and my front roomers are mow in the back room.

I know, time goes on while I'm away. Sometimes I wish things would stay the same, at least a little longer.

Lots of parents talked about how the Magnolia way was so different from what they'd known when they were school-age. Susan Smith, the woman who started it all, talked about how they were looking to do something different at Magnolia, and that at the time, her children were of school age and she wanted a nurturing place that encouraged lifelong learning. Many adults said they wished they'd gone to a place like Magnolia when they were kids.

Irwin was there too, of course, and I talked to him about coming to Tallahassee for a bit of summer camp to help him with canoeing. Katie McGlynn and I talked about me helping out for the spring break camp, but it's coming up pretty soon and I'm trying to get into a grad school that has rolling admissions, so that may not work out.

It's been a good weekend. Seems like things are looking up!

Drabble me!

The first TEN people to comment in this post get to request that I write a poem - any subject, writing prompt, based on a handful of words, or ideas. If you feel similarly inspired, post this to your LJ, substituting whatever you're good at in place of poetry.  Idea stolen from mercscilla .

01. Never quitting - krazyirish 
02. Freedom - irishfaery 
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Thanks Mercy!

I do elder care, and one of my clients has brain tumors, but she might as well have Alzheimer's. She has almost no short term memory and it's gotten worse in the 4+ months I've known her. Yesterday I went to visit her, give her meds, and take her out to breakfast. When I got there, I noticed that her pill box was different than the day before (her son usually organizes her pills). Nothing was right and she told me that she'd put them in herself. I put them all away and set up her pills for the day and gave them to her. I really shouldn't have, but usually she forgets to take her pills when no one reminds her.

An hour later we were just finishing up breakfast and she suddenly felt sick! She was dizzy, felt nauseated and when I tried to get her out to the car, she couldn't even stand on her own! She didn't want to go to the doctor or the hospital and when I called her son, he just asked me to get her home. She was wailing so much, I felt awful for her! He met me at the house and we had to practically carry her inside. He asked me to stay with her another hour or so until and to call him before I left to give him an update.

I stayed with her but every so often she'd wake and start shaking and be upset. She was also dry heaving a lot, but nothing came up! I called her son and told him he really needed to take her to the ER or her doctor. Quite honestly, her body was trying to expel the extra medication she'd taken. And honestly, we didn't know what all she'd taken on top of the daily dose I'd given her. He came back to take her home with him, and hopefully to the hospital.

From here on out we're going to hide her meds from her - and I kind of felt like we should be doing that anyways, because she's so disoriented. When I think about it now, I really should have just called 911. Hindsight!

2000 - I was a newly divorced woman and was thrilled to be out and on my own. I was living in Orlando and studying at Valencia Community College. I spent a lot of ladies nights dancing with Alice and her Asian girlfriends. Sure, I stuck out, but good times were had by all! In the summer I went to Santa Fe NM to attend my Associate of Fine Arts graduation from IAIA. Mom went and it was awesome to walk the line and experience all that.

2001 - I graduated from Valencia Community College with an AA in Liberal Arts and made plans to return to IAIA in Santa Fe. IAIA was just starting a Bachelor of Fine Arts program, and I went back into the Museum Studies program with Chuck Dailey (my favorite teacher ever)! I made friends with Zayan (an Apache from DC) and Laresa (a Aleut from Alaska) and fell in love with Alan (a Zuni from Gallup NM).

2002 - I continued work on my bachelors and did a cool program with the Native American Youth Outreach Program where we went to Denver CO in the summer and taught photography and other arts to at-risk Native youth. Over the summer, Alan and I drove to Orlando and spent time with my mom. My mom loved the yard work he did, and she worked him hard! When we got back to school in the fall, Alan and I moved in to a really cool studio apartment near the school.

2003 - It was a mixture of happiness and sadness. I was thrilled to be graduating with my bachelor's, but sad that I was going to be leaving Santa Fe. I felt on top of the world artistically - having sold my artwork at a professional price for the first time in my life. After I graduated, I left Santa Fe and Alan broke up with me. I was heartbroken, he was as close to true love as I had ever known in my life. We never fought, but I guess that also left a lot unsaid. A lot of times I felt like he blamed his unhappiness and stress on me, but I tried to be his cheerleader, cheering him on through the tough times. He never really did that for me though. When I got to Orlando I was largely unemployed for a long time. I applied all over, but 9-11 had just happened when I started school in 2001 and the arts world hadn't recovered from it yet.

2004 - I applied to be a demonstrating artist for Artrain: the nation's only museum that was housed in a train and traveled the country only by rail. They flew me in to Ann Arbor MI to interview in person and I was hired shortly after to demonstrate my artwork and also set up, strike, and maintain the exhibit while it traveled the country. I made friends with fellow artists, Julie and Lindsey. At the end of the summer I got an email from a woman who turned out to be my cousin on my dad's side. She informed me that my dad had died and was buried in Eel Ground, New Brunswick, Canada. I immediately traveled to Canada to meet her and to try to find any other living relatives and to learn as much as I could about my dad. I left Artrain and moved to Fredericton to live with my cousin, Kathy, and to attend UNB and take Mi'kmaq culture courses.

2005 - After having spent the first half of a New Brunswick winter, I applied to school in Vancouver, UBC and was headed there with my then-friend Janet. Things went badly and she pretty much ditched me in North Dakota with a non-functioning car and with nowhere to live once I got to Vancouver. I sold everything I could on ebay and started driving back to Orlando once I got my car up and running. I had an accident in Mississippi and couldn't get the car fixed entirely until I got to Tallahassee. God has a funny way of doing things, when I got to Tally, I ended up staying with my friend Morgan and her family. I went with Morgan to Magnolia School, where she was a middle school student, and I fell in love with the style of learning they had there. I decided I wanted to teach. When I got back to Orlando, I worked at Disney and Universal - suddenly Magnolia hired me to teach part-time! I loved it! I was given so many opportunities and I taught everything from 4th grade math to middle school English.

2006 - I finished out the school year at Magnolia. Poor Mooli got very sick while I was in Tallahassee and she was staying with my mom. One day my mom thought she was missing and her dog Ilya found Mooli hiding and very skinny. She took her to the vet and it turned out that Mooli had cancer in her mouth and it was preventing her from eating. I drove down from Tallahassee and had her put to sleep - I was heartbroken! She'd been with me from before my marriage, and through college, and all my adventures! She was only 9 years old. I ended up staying in Orlando, as Magnolia couldn't afford to give me more than part-time work the following school year. I worked at Disney and Universal again. 2006 also brought me an unexpected gift - the friendship of Lori and Nannette. I'd been friends with them from middle and high school, but I broke it off with them in 1998 when I felt they weren't supportive of my relationship with the man who was soon to become my ex-husband! I'm so blessed to have them back in my life!

2007 - Valencia Community College started an alternative teacher certification program and I began it in January. It was a year's worth of classes in just 6 months. I had classes every night and lots of online work. Still, I was determined to finish it and to get my teaching certificate. I certified in K-6 and middle grades language arts. It was a stressful year because I had to convince my mom to get a new roof on her house, and also just help her deal with all that the new roof installation entailed. Right after I graduated from the teacher certification program, I got a job at Florida Connections Academy - an online elementary and middle school. For the first time in my life, I worked in an office and HATED that part of it. I definitely missed the classroom. I still made a good friend in the office and Chris is still my partner in crime. During all this insanity, I met Walter - a highly intellectual guy with several interests. Maybe it wasn't a major deep love, but I did care for him.

2008 - Things continued to be stressful! Walter had an opportunity to move to NY to work for an online dating company. I went up with him for the first two weeks of his job, and worked online, teaching my classes and grading too. I returned to Orlando after spring break and just had too much going on! I had never been a good sleeper, but it was even worse now. I was also on an inappropriate level of Prozac for depression. Before I knew it, I had a full blown manic episode - the first in my life. Chris, Lori, Nannette and Hillary took good care of me and got me into a hospital where I stayed for a week. I wasn't happy about it but I know it was the right thing. I ended up being diagnosed as bipolar and was put on a ton of meds that pretty much have zonked me out ever since. I moved to NY after school let out, but didn't find work and Walter and I decided to part. I wasn't heartbroken this time - and we have remained friends. I went back to Orlando and lived with my mom again.

2009 - I was unemployed until September. Prior to that, things just went from bad to worse financially. Since I ran out of my savings in the spring, I've had nothing but phone calls from credit cards and now collection agencies. There's not much I can do about it. I look forward to the future to be fully employed at a livable wage. I started working for Senior Helpers, as an elder companion. The moment I was hired, I adopted a kitten. Jing Jing is a Siamese/tabby mix and makes life infinitely more enjoyable! I can't wait to come home and spend time with him. I have two clients, an elderly widower who needs someone to cook and clean for him - I also helped him adopt a cat so he's not so lonely anymore. My other client has brain tumors and has no short term memory - I am basically a medication reminder, but we've truly become good friends and I care for her immensely.

2010 - Well here's where my dreaming comes into play. I've decided to go to grad school. In order to do that I need to be able to pass the GRE. I'm going to get math tutoring from my friend Chris, and do a tutorial through Vermont College to prepare for their creative writing program. I'd like to get my Masters in Creative Writing or English. The eventual goal is to teach English or writing at a college level, probably somewhere like Valencia Community College. For 2010 though, my goals are simply to apply to several schools and hopefully start grad school in the fall.

Yeah, it's been crazy busy this week - but that's true for most people. My mom's college friend, Suzy, has been staying with us the past two weeks and since we share a birthday, we celebrated it together! We did the Disney-free-on-your-birthday thing and went to Epcot and met up with Lori and Nannette! Suzy was very impressed with my friends and thought a lot of them. Yay me for picking good friends!

Suzy was amused that they wanted to hear what my mom was like back in the 60's. She told them that every time she went to a party with my mom, my mom would always end up going home with someone, and poor Suze didn't. Oh yeah, mom's got skills!

Epcot was good, I hadn't been there in a few years and for the first time I did the drink around the world thing. I didn't actually drink in every country though, they didn't all have stuff I really wanted to drink. The Welsh Dragon at the Rose & Crown Pub is awesome (Wayne recommended it). We had a nice lunch at the Nine Dragons restaurant in China - spinach noodles were delicious! Everywhere we went, cast members would yell out, "Happy Birthday," and then do a double take when they realized we BOTH had a birthday.

After a long day at Epcot, we went home and I stopped by Kenny and Wayne and Danielle's place to continue the celebration and to get another awesome birthday present! I heart Mario Kart Wii! And Nintendo just shipped me my wii remote replacement, so I've got two working remotes. People need to come hang out with me and Jing Jing and play Mario Kart with us! Mind you, Jing Jing is more a distraction than a help when it comes to all things Wii, but that's alright!

The day after our birthdays, we went to Animal Kingdom. The crowds were horrendous! Plus my feet were killing me from the day before, so I wasn't nearly as peppy as I was the previous day. Also, we discovered that if you wanted to see the big animals, you had to get on the safari ride, but we didn't find that out until the afternoon and then it was too late to get a fast pass. Suzy could have waited in line for an hour and a half, but she was pooped too. Ah well. We did enjoy the lush scenery and animals we did see.

We had a big surprise when we got back from Animal Kingdom. Mom finally hired a plumber to fix the kitchen sink and my bathroom sink. We went out to dinner at the Czech restaurant, and discovered it was under new management (but the same chef) and boy if that place wasn't empty. I don't know how they're going to stay in business. When we got back and I cleaned my bathroom, Suzy showed Jing Jing the faucet and he apparently loves drinking from it. Maybe I'll get him one of those pet water fountains at some point.

Christmas Eve day I worked and then spent the rest of the day getting stuff ready for Pat and Dave to come over for Heileig Abend (and yeah, I can't spell German - that's just my best guess). I got a silly dollar DVD of a fireplace at Target and put it on the living room TV and who knew, it had some harp Christmas music on it as well! We're using a tiny pine tree (looks more like a pine bush) as our Christmas tree and I put on some nice twinkly lights. As soon as I finished wrapping presents, Jing Jing started chewing on the wrapping paper. Talk about Christmas spirit! He's so excited, he's helping OTHER people unwrap their gifts.

Today Suzy goes back to New York. We're dropping her off at the airport in the afternoon and then heading over to Claire's for Christmas dinner. It's been a nice visit with her, but I'll be glad to have the heat turned down so it's not so stuffy around here. She's constantly freezing and I'm opposite - I'm way too warm!

Jing Jing gets fixed very soon. That's my current financial goal and I met it! Yay! My next financial goal is to get a bigger hard drive in my laptop (I have only 7 gigs left) and upgrade the ram as well. I need it in tip top shape for grad school this fall. After the laptop, I have to start socking away money for grad school applications, because those buggers aren't cheap.

I haven't updated in a bit and I just wanted to share my Thanksgiving adventures. I was able to get a few days off surrounding Thanksgiving and visited Tallahassee! I missed my Magnolia School friends, plus Morgan was coming down from DC to be in Tally for the holiday as well.

I packed up Jing Jing and took him with me on the 4 hour drive. Yes, he meow'd almost the whole way. When he wasn't meowing he was sleeping. He didn't sleep much! Otherwise the drive wasn't bad - almost no holiday traffic.

We stayed with Paige and her family (including 2 adult ginger toms - Kepler and Tycho). We did this weird thing I'd heard where if you want cats to get used to each other quickly, you spray the back of their necks with perfume. The scent confuses them because they all smell the same, so maybe that new cat's always been here? We used a sample of Pleasure, and must say it was pleasurable! The resident cats hissed a little just to let Jing Jing know who's house this was, but other than that they got along fine. Jing Jing had a blast climbing up stairs for the first time, running around the house, and just exploring Paige's kitchen counters and cabinets.

Thanksgiving itself was fun and relaxing. It was pretty low key, just Paige's husband and 2 kids, a cousin, and her husband's coworker. We played a lot of Wii and did the all American tradition of reading the Black Friday ads. I only hit up one sale and that was to get a new cell phone and provider on the cheap.

On Friday I got to see Sunshine and her family (and eat someone else's version of Thanksgiving leftovers). We went to a local artist co-op and checked out their Christmas collection of wares. It was really nice just to hang out with Sunshine again. When I lived in Tallahassee before, we hung out all the time - working on school projects and watching Buffy on DVD.

Saturday I made Twinkie Tiramisu at Paige's house and we hosted a little game night. Heather and a friend came over and we played Cranium Pop 5 (a pop culture game), Scrabble (Heather won, see Paige, I don't ALWAYS win), and more Wii of course.

There are times I wish we had a light rail and visiting Tallahassee wasn't a 4 hour drive. All too soon it was time for me and Jing Jing to drive back to Orlando. I think it was a great little jaunt and proved that Jing Jing is a fairly well behaved kitten and up for adventure. Good to know!

I know so many people have been negatively struck by the recession. I see them in the news, I know them personally - hell, I'm totally affected. I know that these are really tough times. People who are not normally depressed have been experiencing depression for the first time in their lives, and people who already have some level of depression or other mental illness going on are experiencing it even moreso.

But I'm okay. I'm not great, and a lot of people wonder how I can be cheerful and optimistic in the face of adversity. Well, it's not easy. I work hard to be positive. I work hard to stay calm about my life. I look for the little things that make life better and don't cost much. I accept that in these times, there's little I can do about the economy but to just keep on doing what I'm doing.

Things will turn around. People are acting like it's the end of the world, but it really isn't. It's not the first time financial disaster has struck, and it certainly won't be the last time. Quite honestly, I got used to ghetto living when I first moved out and started college and working. So doing without right now isn't horrid, it's mostly just an annoyance.

It's going to be okay. It really is. This is not the end of the world, and even if by some chance it was - so be it. Enjoy the people in your life. Try to help others when you can. Nurture yourself.

Everything I'm saying right now probably sounds like platitudes. The thing is, there's truth in them there platitudes.

 No no, not the human kind!  I'm not going to write the typical omg-I'm-so-in-love-and-it's-like-the-first-time-anyone's-ever-been-in-love.  I'm just enjoying pet ownership.  Or perhaps my kitten is enjoying human ownership!  

Not to say I'm not having any trouble with him.  Jing Jing is a VERY active kitten.  I knew I wanted a Siamese because they stay playful for life and I love how they're talkative.  But I forgot how playful a kitten can be.  He's up all night, and unfortunately his play is rough.  I've read all the advice on getting a kitten to stop biting and scratching.  He's not really scratching me lately.  But the biting has got to stop!  He hasn't punctured my skin yet, but I don't want him to grow up and be a violent, unpleasant cat.  A friend of mine had to put her cat down because as an adult he continued to attack people and she could never train him to chill out.

Today there's a costume contest at my vet's office.  I made Jing Jing a cute sushi costume.  It wasn't that hard at all really.  Ugh - and I'd show you the photos now only LJ's photo upload thing is being a pain in the ass.  Do you hear me LJ?  I have a permanent account.  I'd really like to be able to upload at will!

Work is going well - I did have a bit of trouble last week though.  I overslept!  I was late for a client but luckily she's got altzheimer's so she didn't notice I was late.  I outed myself to my boss though  because on the chance that my client DID remember I was supposed to be there, I didn't want her to freak out.

Other than that I've been on time (and sometimes a bit early) to all my appointments.  I helped one client adopt a senior cat from a local rescue group that has a program called Seniors for Seniors where they adopt senior pets to senior citizens at a discounted price.  Now that my client's got a cat, I've just been helping him get used to that.  The cat is a Bombay (which is a Burmese / American shorthair mix).  She's friendly, and talkative - bit like a Siamese.  Unfortunately she's talkative at 3am.  Haha!  I'm already used to that with my kitten, but for an 80 year old, that can be a bit to take.

Family friend Nancy Keiger died this week.  She had cancer and was just hanging on and hanging on.  Nobody wants to die of cancer, but I imagine they'd want it to go quickly and it didn't for her.  In leu of a funeral, her friends are going to gather at a local coffee house she liked.  I'd known her since my mom worked at Harcourt - she was a member of the Orlando Book Group - which is also defunct.  

I love him more and more every day (that is when he's not playing too rough and biting or scratching me).  

 Ilya is my mom's dog - he's a Samoyed and I can't believe it, but he's 10.  Saturday we took him to my vet (because my mom's has limited weekend hours) because he was acting strangely.  His head was tilted to one side, and he had a hard time walking.  He stopped eating and drinking and frankly, we thought he'd had a stroke.  "Do dogs have strokes?" my mom asked.

They do, but he didn't.  He's got geriatric vestibular syndrome.  They don't know what causes it, but it occurs in older dogs and in 90% of cases the dog improves.  We just have to give him steroids, feed him by hand if necessary, and keep him hydrated.  Hopefully he'll improve in the next few days.  It's funny, he's 10 years old but he has always acted like a puppy.  This is the first time his age has ever reared its face.

I took Lai Jing to the vet this morning.  He developed what looked to be pink eye, and he's never really gotten over the diarrhea he had since I got him.  While he was there getting checked out, they cleaned out his ears and some of the medicine got in his mouth - and boy he did NOT like that!  



He looks like a little old man!  Then I took him home and gave him antibiotics in his mouth and on his eyes - yeah, not a happy camper.  

 The boy's name is Lai Jing Jing - Thai for big troublemaker!

Let's hope he lives up to his name!

 I already made this announcement on Facebook, but I hadn't said anything here yet.

It's a boy!

A boy kitty!  He's Siamese, and looks like he'll be blue point.  Long story short:

job + Irina = kitty!

Yeah, I needed a job before I could get a kitty.  I'd been accepted at two companies months ago, but they were more like agencies (one a senior companion agency and the other a tutoring agency).  Neither had gotten me any clients, so I was employed in name only.  The senior companion agency came through for me last week and I finally got a very nice client to work with.  So of course I ran out and got a kitten!  Okay, that probably only makes sense to me.  

Of course I still need more work, this is really just part time work and pays fine, but not fabulous.  A full time job would be optimal of course, I'd love benefits, but for now I can just add more part time work to my schedule.  I'm also seriously considering grad school again because I feel like the past year has been a total waste of time.  Mind you, the idea of taking out a huge loan to go to college doesn't really appeal to me, but at least then I'd potentially increase my earning power and improve my writing as well.

So, back to kitty!  I haven't named him yet, got a bunch of names going around my head.  I'd love something clever or silly, maybe relating to being an Asian/Thai/Siamese cat, or that he will grow up to be a loud mouth (typical for Siamese cats).  Suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Here's a video of him:



Kittens are just too much fun.  Well, that's all the news in my world right now.

 Thank you Lori.  I will return your phone as soon as I can get my own.  And thank you to everyone for your concern!  I appreciate it.  

On a completely unrelated note - I was really alarmed the other day.  I was hanging out at McDonalds, stealing their wifi (well it's not stealing if it's free), and there were a bunch of teenagers just hanging out and shooting the shit.  I swear, they said the N word like it was going out of style.  They weren't even African American!  

I have had an issue with the N word for a long time, and it really bothers me when people just bandy it about.  To me, it represents ignorance and hatred.  I get the whole "taking it back" thing that African Americans are doing.  But non-African Americans are using it, and aren't we trying to do away with hate language?  Yeah yeah, they're not using it hatefully.  But they're still using it ignorantly!  It makes them look and sound stupid, possibly stupider than they actually are?  

Gah, it's as annoying as when someone says something is gay when really they mean it's stupid or worthless or just bad in general.  Sorry kids, gay is no longer happy, it's super - thanks for asking.  

 

I don't have a Panera budget.  I am here subversively.  Hold onto one of their cups and just walk in any time for a quick pick me up.  They're usually so busy they don't even notice.  Yeah, I'm that broke.  Sad, isn't it?  The sale of my life continues on eBay.  If you want, please check out my eBay stuff.  Sista needs to make some money.

I'm currently phone-less.  Didn't lose service, just had to sell the phone.  I don't even need tons of money at this point.  I need dough to get fingerprinted so I can do my new tutoring job, dough to see my shrink so he'll prescribe me more meds, and  of course a new phone.  I've been trying to save up for a Boost phone so I can just get everything all in one for just 50 a month.  

The phone issue is annoying right now because while I can continue to check my messages, I have no idea when I'm receiving them.  I check in as frequently as possible.  Also annoying is that while I saved all my phone numbers, I saved them to a sim card - that I can't read until I get a new phone.  Gah!  Maybe selling the phone so soon wasn't such a good idea, but I thought I was really close to getting that Boost phone.  The one job I got relies completely on calling me and me returning that call ASAP, otherwise they just pass the jobs on down to the next person on their list.  The other new job just wants me to get my fingerprints.

I did finally apply for unemployment.  I really doubt I'll get it, I wasn't laid off.  I left of my own volition.  I would love to come back to Connections, but despite the fact that they have had 6 openings at least since I left, and despite the fact that I have been highly qualified for 5 of them, they have YET to grant me an interview.  I think they are holding my bipolar against me - which legally they cannot do!  But also, how can I prove it?  It's not like the movie Philadelphia  where they're obviously discriminating against Tom Hanks.  

I just need a chance, that's all.  I haven't lost hope, I know things will turn around.  Things will always get the most frustrating before they get better.  I also know that all of my little financial issues, I could ask my mom for money.  I could but I've asked her for so much already!  It's really bad.  I just feel like she's done so much for me already!  I mean, she's paid my auto insurance, got my car out of hock when it was towed, and has kept me fed and housed, and even given me occasional infusions of movies and Starbucks.  

I got to see a really old friend recently - Jennifer Badger.  I hadn't seen her since high school, and we'd actually known each other since elementary.  She's doing wonderful and I'm really happy for her!  She's working in a field she loves, has a husband who she'd been friends with for several years before dating and marrying, and a healthy 7 year old son.  They all live in a rural area and have enough land for several horses, ponies, dogs, cats and whatever other animals that need rescuing.  

She asked me what I'd like for myself in 5 years.  I've always hated that question because I'm full of such wanderlust, and I thrive on change, that I can't imagine what I'll be doing in month, much less a year!  But I thought about it - I mean, I've always been such a dreamer, and then it kind of felt like all those dreams were unrealistic.  My dreams became more like basic needs.  

I do want more for myself - not necessarily monetarily or materialistically.  I want to work with kids - teaching, doing something with at risk youth, anything really.  But I also want a kid of my own - I have given up on having a baby of my own.  Now that I know I'm bipolar, that's not something I'd wish on anyone - so having my own baby is out of the question.  But I know that I'm a loving and caring individual and can make a huge difference in a kid who just needs to belong.  I don't want the perfect caucasian baby - that's the one everyone wants to adopt.  I want the kid that really needs to be adopted, regardless of race or age or even special needs.  

I want to be published, not just self published, but really published.  I don't care if it's in a magazine, a book, or online, but I want to be paid for the things I create.  I want to really do more with my photography - I want to be shown in galleries.  I would love for at least one work of art to be accepted into the Museum of American Indian Arts.  They don't have enough Mi'kmaq work and it would mean so much for me to be collected by the very museum I studied in.  

I want to be me at my peak.  I have been confident, I have been excited about life, I have been courageous and loving and creative.  I haven't been these things in a while but I know I have the ability to be.  It's in me somewhere.  

 It's funny, I always said I wanted more money and time to do more art.  Now I've got no money but plenty of time.  I find myself doing some creative things, primarily because I need to be creative in order to make some money.  I've been putting off selling my photography through stock photo web sites because I never had the time to organize or do the research to find good sites to work with.  Now, though, I've just been taking the time to go through my photos, and submit to various sites to see what my earning potential is.

I'd still really like to do a show at Austin's Coffeehouse, but that hasn't happened yet.  The owner is nice, and seems interested, but it also seems like it goes nowhere.  I emailed her with examples of my photography but she never got back to me.  The nice thing about Austin's is that I can show and also sell my work there.  I've got a ton of new photography I'd like to have printed and recycle some old frames I have from previous projects.

Speaking of recent photography, I went with Mamacita to a garden nursery recently, and gave some photos to the owner in exchange for getting my mom a discount on her purchases.  Here's a link to that if you'd like to see what I'm up to lately:

Flowers and more flowers!

Yesterday was Mamacita's birthday.  It's amazing I had any money to spend on her at all.  I worked in Tallahassee for a week at Magnolia School, just cleaning and doing other little jobs for the teachers and staff.  Made me a tidy bit of money, and then got home in time to start ebaying for myself and for Mamacita.  For her birthday I got her some plant she wanted, a miniature poinciana.  I thought it would be full of blooms, but it's nowhere near that stage.  I also took her out to lunch at the Lacomka (Russian) deli.  She loves that place, I'm less fond of it.  All they have is borscht, dumplings, and strange salads with potatoes and beets.  I'm down with dumplings (although we had some the night before that were totally greasy and sopping wet), but the other stuff I can do without.  I ordered a sandwich and even that was...odd.  *shrugs*  She enjoyed it.  I also tried to get the waitress to sing Happy Birthday in Russian, but she didn't speak enough English to understand what I'd wanted.  Ah well, it was still fun.

I don't normally do this, but a sista needs to make some dough - check out my ebay items please.

Anyways, I'm also open to suggestions as to how a girl can make some money...LEGALLY!  Oh, and MORALLY!  Seriously, y'all, I'm not THAT desperate.  

In other random news, I finally wrote a poem.  It's the first poem I've written since I wigged out a year and a half ago.  *sighs*  I used to write so much more.  I feel...inept.  I just miss who I was.  I feel so boring now.  Anyways, it's late and I'm really trying to stay on a sleeping schedule.  I miss journaling as much as I used to, but I also find that either I have less to report, or what I do have to report is just so damn depressing.  

Really, days go by and still I think of me.  Not the me I am now, but the me I was before - before lithium.  I'm pastel now, when I used to be brilliant, practically neon.  I digress.

Adventures have abounded this summer.  I thought they'd spark my writing but they didn't really.  I'm not saying I didn't have a good time, I totally did.  But I still don't really feel like the same old me.  I don't have that awesome flow of ideas and energy.  Life's so vanilla these days.

I went to Tallahassee and had a blast up there.  Lots of canoeing, hanging out with friends, and just enjoying a change of scenery.  When I got back to Orlando, Mom was ready for a trip herself.  She has the travel bug too!  We ended up going down to the Everglades, and Sanibel and Captiva Islands.  It was a good drive down there, and oddly enough my mom made minimal complaints about my ipod.  I was playing it in her car (she's got a hookup, so nice) and she didn't mind the music, but not even half an hour into This American Life, she gets all cranky and tells me to turn that racket off.  What gives?  

Once we got to Sanibel, we stayed in a really nice A-frame cottage.  It was painted sunshine yellow, and was perfect for the two of us.  It had a front porch for all her smoking needs, a pool for all my swimming needs, and the inside had a bedroom for her, a sleeping loft for me, and a kitchenette/living room.  That's one way we tend to save money while traveling - we cook for ourselves 1-2 meals a day.  We try to eat out only once, and then at lunch so we're not paying dinner prices.  Plus, it was so hot down there, that midday we wanted in out of the heat and into some nice air conditioned restaurant. 

Sanibel is home to acres and acres of protected land and water.  When Sanibel was created, the town made tons of laws about building and its made such a difference.  It's completely different from driving around Orlando, or any other place on the coast.  The buildings aren't allowed to be higher than 3 stories, so there aren't huge hotels and office buildings everywhere.  There's not really a lot of corporate type stores there either, although one place was proud to brew Starbucks Coffee. 

I learned a lot about the nature of Florida specifically.  I fell in love with mangrove trees, and wanted to take one home with me.  We took a pontoon boat ride through the mangroves, and also a tram ride through the protected areas.  We got our nature on seriously, but also got bit by mosquitos really badly.  Ugh, they're so annoying! 

A few days later we drove back inland to Everglade City, which is a misnomer to say the least.  If that's a city, I'll eat my hat.  Apparently when it was built, they thought it was going to be a major hub, so they named it Everglade City, but really - it's about 5 motels, 3 restaurants, and 20 airboat companies.  Oh, and our motel had no pool.  The day we were supposed to do an airboat ride, it rained horrendously.  So instead we drove through the torrential downpour to a gallery - Clyde Butcher, and to the Seminole reservation to check out their museum.  Clyde Butcher is the Ansel Adams of the  southeast.  If you ask me, Ansel Adams is just the Clyde Butcher of the southwest.  Still, fabulous black and white nature photography.  The museum was pretty good too, actually.  The guy who gave us a tour was really proud of how far the Seminole's had come. 

After all that wandering, it was time to go home.  The day was perfect, which annoyed mom - she still wanted that airboat ride through the sawgrass.  Me, I was ready to get away from the mosquitos. 

Tallahassee has been a total blast!  It's so nice to reconnect with old friends and explore the rivers.  If there's one thing that would ever cause me to leave Orlando, Magnolia would be it.  I got here last Thursday and spent the first few days with Morgan and her family.  We got up to all sorts of hijinks, made sushi for her family, and went to Wakulla Springs.  Wakulla was SO crowded.  Mind you, we were there on a weekend, so we kind of deserved what we got, but still.  There was hardly enough room to put down a blanket.  The water was nice and icey cold.  I began my summer sunburn.  

I then switched over to Sunshine's house and hung out with her family.  One night we went meringue dancing, and that was interesting in and of itself.  She was too shy to ask anyone to dance, so I just dragged her over to a guy and asked him to be a gentleman.  He was.  The guy that I ended up dancing with didn't do meringue so I looked like a total fool trying to keep up.  I am just not very well coordinated.    Monday I met up with Sunshine and the kids from her daycamp at the public pool and enjoyed hanging out with them. 

Then I switched to Paige's house and hung out her her kids, playing Rock Band (I've suddenly gotten to where I can play the drums on easy and not fail) and card games.  I also went with Irwin's outdoor camp to St Mark's River and Ecofina Springs.  It's been cool meeting the new Magnolian kids, and seeing my former students all grown up!  Casey has gotten really tall, and Michael and Aiden always towered over me.  

Today I'm back at Sunshine's for the rest of the week (unless someone else wants a visit from me).  Looks like Wednesday we'll be doing Itchitucknee River and Friday the Slave Springs.  I've never heard of either, but it all sounds good.  I only hope my skin can hold up!  Oy, sunburn after sunburn.  I really have to start reapplying.  I really don't want skin cancer.  

Feels weird to miss Austin's Open Mic last week.  Looks like I'll be missing it this week too.  Vacations are so good though.  Lately I've felt trapped.  Like I needed an adventure. 

I got this laptop right around the time that I went off the deep edge last spring.  I was looking around and found some random photos I took with my cell phone and uploaded them into a gallery.  Perhaps I will upload some of the videos too.  Right now I feel like a very lost individual.  I miss who I was.  I don't know, I feel like in a lot of ways I have no choices.  I don't write much lately.  My spark is still gone.  Anyways, enjoy my gallery, it's...interesting.

So a friend of mine called me two weeks ago - chest pains and a nose bleed.  Would I take them to the hospital?  Damn right I'll take them to the hospital.  It kind of went round about.  We hit up the Centra Care first, only to be told, no, this is something serious,  Getcher ass over to the ER and get checked out.  Then, while we were in the ER they started worrying about money and their job, and all sorts of things that might be loosely related to their health, but they were looking at it backwards.  Everything starts with you, if you're no good, you can do no good.  I was stubborn.  I stood my ground.  I called everyone they knew for backup.  They stayed, it turned out to be serious and I'm really glad they stayed, and finally, now they are too. 

Not a year ago, Nannette and Lori were the stubborn ones, insisting I stick around the hospital and get treated for my bipolar.  I was out of my mind, not thinking straight, and just wanted to sleep.  But they held their ground and I'm glad, really very glad.  And really I'm glad that I could do the same for someone else.  Who knows how they'll pay it forward someday.  I'm glad I was able to.  

Passover was quiet this year.  We went over to Marlene and Ira's, but Marlene had recently had knee surgery, so we didn't do the whole Haggadah.  I missed doing the singing and games, but it was still nice to see Pat and Dave, Meryl, and Marlene and Ira's daughter Jessica (who spent copious amounts of time playing on her iPhone, instead of conversing with the rest of us).

The only part that was uncomfortable was when everyone asked me what I was up to.  No, I wasn't working for that online school anymore, no I hadn't found a full time job, yes I was doing a bit of online work, and no it didn't pay much.  I should never tell people how much I actually make on ChaCha.  When they found out, they all insisted I should work for McDonalds.  Uhh, no thanks.  At least at ChaCha I'm learning something.  And it does pay, it just doesn't pay much.

I am picky about where I'll work.  So sue me.  so far, all my bills are paid.  I would like a better job, who wouldn't.  But I'd like to work in my field, or do something that helps others or makes the world a better place.

In a way I'm almost too accepting, too open minded when it comes to romantic relationships.  But on the other hand I am also very stubborn and firm on some things.  Here goes:

-smoking - ick, I already have asthma, grew up in a smoking household, and the last fucking thing I want is to attach myself to someone who smokes
-yellers - people who yell when they get mad really bother me, again I grew up in a yelling household (might have also been the fact that it was a German household, and I don't think Germans know how to whisper), and yelling just gets on my last nerve
-complainers - not an occasional complaint, or someone who needs to share what's stressful in their life, but someone who just bitches and moans constantly about everything and doesn't see the good in life, for the most part I am a pretty positive person and it's made life so much more pleasant
-aimless/goal-less - this one is a little hard to label but easy to describe, basically I want someone who wants to do something with their lives, they can have any goal really, as long as it betters themselves and the world around them, I might not feel like it now, but I do remember being a girl who wanted to make the world a better place
-unaffectionate - what can I say, I like to hug (and more) and I've gotta have my hugs
-unhealthy addictions - video games, TV shows, books, coffeehouses, pets, all those can be considered healthy addictions, but something that is a detriment to your health (physical and emotional), no thanks!